20 weeks ago (tuesday).

(yep…still a week behind).

woke up early

and got ready for

a long hike with

grandpa tom g.

grandma candee and awesome auntie deb

chose not to join us, which

really meant that

they wanted to spend the

day with madeline.

as much as i wanted to take

her on the hike,

i figured it was a

better idea to let her

stay warm while

hanging out with the ladies.

packed up all of our camera

equipment and headed toward

lake louise.

i had heard of this place

but had never been there.

my dad insists that

it’s one of the most

beautiful places he

has ever seen.

he’s a bit prone to hyperbole,

so we’ll have to see

about that claim.

after a short drive,

we walked up the path to

the lake.

this is what my wide-angle lens saw:

lake louise - alberta, canada.

and this is what my

zoom lens saw:

lake louise - alberta, canada.

my dad was right.

there are not enough superlatives

to describe the beauty.

i’m gonna just let

the photos,

and a few words

attempt to convey

the total awesomeness

of this place.

walked counter-clockwise

around the lake,

stopping every 5 feet

to take another shot.

from the water.

i tested my balance

me on a log.

and somehow managed

to stay dry.

kept walking, hoping

lake louise - alberta, canada.
lake louise - alberta, canada.

to have enough stamina

to make it as

far as the trail

trail.

would allow.

made it to the end

of the lake,

lake louise - alberta, canada.
me, lake louise.

at which point we

saw the glacial

river that feeds it.

clouds reflected.
lake louise - alberta, canada.

walked through some trees

trees.

and past some flowers

flower.

until we got to a spot

that allowed us to

reflect on how

far we’d come.

looking toward lake louise.
landscape (via super sampler).
me, lake louise.

according to grandpa tom g’s

gps, we hadn’t made it

that far.

damn, we’re getting old.

we kept walking,

getting closer

to the cold wind

of the glaciers,

landscape (via super sampler).

until we came across

a tea house.

tea house.
inside the tea house.

stopped for some tea

cup of tea.

and lunch,

lunch.

giving us a lot of time

to rest our tired legs.

at the tea house.

wondered how maddy

was doing,

what she was up to

with the ladies.

figured she was asleep.

we continued up the trail,

trail.

getting as close to

the glaciers as possible.

trail.

made it to the end

and had to do my

best unabomber impersonation

to keep from losing my hat

and glasses.

cold and windy.
unabomber?

admired the landscape

mountains, clouds, glaciers.
mountains.

until we got too cold

then headed back

on the same

trail that brought us here,

past the flowers

flora.

and the trees,

trees, sky.

back to where the river

meets the lake.

river.

headed clockwise

trees.

until we reached the beginning.

lake louise - alberta, canada.
lake louise - alberta.

nice to be with another

photography buff,

someone who doesn’t get

annoyed at all the stopping.

that used to drive

liz

nuts.

she always told me to

put down the damn camera

and enjoy the scenery.

of all the beautiful

places we traveled, i

saw most of them

through the

eye piece of my camera.

funny though…

my response to

liz,

quite literally,

on every

trip we ever took was…

“someday our children are going to want to see photos of their mother. how am i going to explain to them that you didn’t want to take the time to pose for a photo in front of the taj mahal?” (or the parthenon, the coliseum, machu picchu, the himalayas, the swine barn at the mn state fair or countless other places around the world i forced her to pose and smile in front of?).

holy shit.

just thinking of that

sentence made me feel like shit.

i obviously had no idea

just how important

these photos would become.

as i looked at the clouds,

the mountains,

the lake,

and thought of how much

liz

would have loved this

place, i realized how

great it was that i

spent so much time

staring through that

eye piece, taking so

many incredible photos of

her

and the places we visited

together.

photos that madeline will

someday love.

really wish maddy could

have seen this place with me.

realized that she will.

tomorrow.

when we return here

to have dinner at the

chateau lake louise

to celebrate my anniversary.

after hiking 8+ miles,

our legs were barely

able to get us back in

the car for the ride

back to the banff.

called grandma candee

along the way and learned

that the ladies

were in town, doing

some shopping.

tracked them down,

stole my baby back and

took her to get some

tea while the others

tea cup.
in a tea shop.

got cleaned up for dinner.

we’re heading to the

banffshire club

at the fairmont banff springs hotel.

the g. family tracked us down

and we headed to our destination.

arrived to find a fancy

hotel with lots

of dead animals on the walls.

can’t believe they let

me walk into a place

like this,

but i guess i met

the dress code

(my “denim was in good repair (no rips or tears)” and i took off my hat so i fullfilled the “no sports wear” requirement, well, except for of course my tennis shoes).

shared a drink with madeline

sharing a drink (but not really).

(no i didn’t)

then we got seated.

in a private dining room.

DSC_8434

not sure if this

was out of kindness

for us,

or the other patrons

who would have to

contend with what the wait staff

must have guessed would be a

very loud baby.

i’ll take it either way.

this is where

i have to pause to thank

some people.

there’s a group of ladies

who regularly read my blog.

they call themselves the creeps.

before the g. grandparents

left the mn for the banff,

a creep arrived at their

door to present them

with a “creeptificate” and a

shitload of money

to be spent on a fancy dinner

(or two)

for all of us while on our trip.

so, so awesome.

thank you all.

seriously.

enjoyed an awesome meal

while madeline passed out.

we left the hotel

and encountered some

wildlife in the courtyard

wildlife.

talked to a french dude who

cornered the beast.

he asked,

“do you think i can pet him”

i told him that it may

not be the best idea.

i walked away,

hoping he took my advice.

didn’t want to see him

get gored.

caught up with the fam

and we all headed back

to the condo.

madeline remained passed out

and i joined her within

minutes of walking in,

exhausted by my life.

a great day and night

with one 4 foot 11 inch

piece missing.

tomorrow may be awful.

maddy in my arms,

i’ll try my best to

make sure it’s not.

monday - 20-week birthday.

(still a week behind).

so, the question has

been asked,

“why are you in banff?

well, wednesday august 13th

would have been wedding

anniversary #3.

wanted to get the fuck

out of town.

didn’t want to be in

the mn

(that’s where we got married)

and didn’t want to be

in the ca

(that’s were we lived and dreamed)

if you remember,

not long after

liz

died i got a call

from united telling me

that our flight to the hawaii

had been changed.

i had no idea

liz had booked the trip.

had a major

freak out and decided that i’d

postpone that trip and

schedule something for 8/13,

knowing that i was going

to hate that day.

we were gonna go

to the hawaii.

been there 5 times

with her

don’t think i need to

again without her,

so i decided that we

should go somewhere else.

talked to her parents,

and we agreed on the

following parameters:

*a place outside the u.s.
*a place to which madeline could travel without any further vaccinations (she’s not quite ready for a typhoid shot so india was out).
*a place none of us have ever visited (again, india was out ’cause i’ve been there 5 times).

grandma candee talked

to her travel agent,

and banff it was.

so here we are.

it’s cold,

it’s raining and

it’s august.

this shit just doesn’t

compute for a baby

who lives in the so. cal

and has never been in

cold weather,

but i love it.

so. cal. is too damn

hot this time of year.

that said, i

don’t want madeline

to get sick

during birthday week 20/52,

so we decided on a bus tour

of some spots

around the banff.

dressed her up

so she would stay warm.

me, madeline.

the outfit she wore

was cobbled together

from the small pile

of cold-weather clothes

that actually fit her.

that explains the

totally rad, totally clashing

patterns that caused

her to question

her father’s fashion sense sanity.

jumped on the bus

and headed to bow falls

waterfall.
me, madeline.

where i realized that

i can take totally awesome

self+madeline portraits with my

new lens.

madeline, me.

(you’ll be seeing lots of these).

next stop:

cave and basin national historic site.

saw some awful-smelling, but

beautiful hot springs.

hot spring.

madeline cried about something.

crying madeline, me.

we looked for,

then found some of the snails.

that prevented us from

jumping in the hot spring.

hot spring reflection.
(there are a few hiding in the photo).

then we met some friends

friends, madeline, me.

and madeline calmed down.

then it was back on the bus

reflection.

to our next destination:

a little spot overlooking

the banff springs hotel.

banff springs hotel.

jumped back on the

bus and headed to tunnel mountain

where we stared at

some beautiful things

landscape.

while madeline enjoyed her lunch.

lunch.
hiding.
(same shot as above, just taken with the super sampler).

then it was a drive

down the road

to a spot with

some wildlife

moutain goats.
moutain goat.

madeline loved

pattern confusion.

looking out

at stuff like this

lake.

from the big windows

of the tour bus.

(no seat belts on the bus = no car seat on the bus…again. no shit for this, please).

after seeing all of this,

i think

madeline now wants

to move to the banff.

bus tour almost

over, we made one more

stop…lake minnewanka.

lake.
lake minnewanka, mountains, sky (via super sampler).
sky.

then it was back

to our condo so

we could get cleaned

up for dinner.

got a restaurant recommendation

from someone at the condo.

later heard multiple reports

of the restaurant’s dubious past.

interesting…

madeline slept while

out.

we enjoyed a great meal.

wines.

after dinner we enjoyed

the extra daylight

and walked a little bit

where's madeline?

before heading

back to the condo.

a good day with

lots of distractions.

tomorrow.

lots of stuff planned

as we get closer to wednesday.

good.

i could use all the

distractions i can get.

sunday.

(a week behind, once again).

boarding passes.

one hour of sleep

and i’m ready to roll.

grabbed madeline and got her

in the car seat.

talked to the driver

about the dodgers and their

playoff possibilities even though

i’ve been too busy

to pay attention

to baseball and was

way too tired to form a

coherent sentence.

he did most of the talking.

madeline slept.

made it to the airport

with a sense of dread…

i’ve been told i need

to have

liz’s

death certificate with me

if i want to take madeline

out of the country.

not awesome.

don’t really like knowing

that it exists.

hate that i have to carry

it

with me.

loathe the idea of having

to pull it out

and have some fucking

stranger read it over

just so i can

board a plane.

i understand the reason

for having to do so,

but still.

i’ve got more than

enough reminders that

i’ll never see

liz

again.

got to the airport

and stood in line

for an insufferable amount

of time, thinking the

whole time about

how much this all

fucking sucks.

finally got to the self

check-in kiosk,

touched the screen where

necessary and finally

talked to a human,

who stared at me with

eyes that said she

hates her morning, if

not her job.

maybe her life.

“do you have a ticket for the baby?”

“umm…no. she’s sitting on my lap.”

“well, you still need a ticket for her.”

“why?”

“because you’re flying internationally.”

fuck.

seriously?

i had no idea.

“can you issue a ticket for her?”

she said,

“no. i’m too busy. you’ll have to go upstairs to customer service. it might cost you a lot of money.”

“ok. thank you.”

before march 25th,

this would have stressed

me out beyond belief.

i likely would have

let the woman

know i was pissed

with some choice words

or a look with some eyes

that matched hers.

liz

would have read her

the riot act,

that’s for certain

(she had no time for bitchiness).

now, after losing

my everything,

shit like this

just doesn’t bother

me anymore.

sort of a gift i guess.

i walked away,

realizing that the woman

never checked our passports.

nor did she ask for

that goddamned piece

of paper that has been

weighing so heavily on

my mind.

thanks.

made it through

security, greeted by smiles

from everyone i saw.

the sight of a sleeping,

drooling madeline strapped to

my chest is enough to

make almost anyone

a little happier.

found customer service.

talked to a guy who didn’t

give a shit.

he said,

“why didn’t you get a ticket downstairs? they should never have let you walk away without a ticket for the baby.”

i explained that they were too

busy and that i had

been sent here.

“well…i can’t help you. you will have to go back downstairs.”

he never even looked

up from his screen.

thanks, asshole.

luckily the woman at the

computer next to him said,

“i can do it for you. i don’t want you to have to walk back downstairs.”

so awesome.

she worked fast, issuing

madeline a ticket.

$12.00

that’s it.

just had to pay the

international airport tax.

made to the gate

and boarded the flight.

madeline took down

5oz, and passed out soon after.

before we knew it

we were in the sf,

ready to get on

our next flight.

in the sf airport.

found awesome auntie deb

waiting for us at the next gate.

grabbed her and headed

for a free breakfast

in the united lounge.

soon after we were

on our way to the

canada, madeline’s first

trip outside the u.s.

entering the canada.

i got some photos

of the little lady

mid-flight.

one happy:

on the flight to the calgary.

(smiling at daddy).

one not:

about to cry...

(ready for a bottle).

i got rid of that

frown with a bottle

full of formula,

then she slept in

deb’s arms while i

got a little rest.

eventually we landed.

made it through customs

with no questions

asked, no one demanding

to see a death certificate.

so, so rad.

even radder?

someone got her

first passport stamp:

madeline's first passprt stamp!

we retrieved our luggage

madeline hung out on

the horse statue

on a horse in the calgary airport.

then on my shoulders

ride.

as we waited for the

g. grandparents to arrive.

it took less than

five minutes on the

ground in the canada

to hear my first “eh”

(felt right at home…sounds so much like the mn).

the grandparents arrived,

we got reacquainted

then found our rental

car for the trip to the banff.

tried to get out of the calgary,

but ran into some road construction.

i was volunteered to go

inside and ask for directions.

asked how to get out

of town, but struggled a

bit with what had

to be the thickest canadian

accent i’ve ever encountered.

she spoke the directions

twice yet i was

unable to understand more

than “street.”

asked her to write out

the directions.

she did, but then

she laughed at me.

on our way out of

town, we got a preview

of just how beautiful

this part of the world

actually is.

on the way to the banff.

about 2 hours after

leaving the airport,

we arrived in the banff.

awesome town.

found our condo,

then went out for dinner.

a quiet night after

a long day of traveling.

spent the rest of the

evening watching madeline

get passed from

family member to family member

the smiles were present

on their faces,

but i couldn’t help

thinking about how much

liz

would have loved this moment.

there’s nothing worse

than knowing

that she gonna miss a lifetime

of these moments.

how the fuck

am i gonna be able

to truly enjoy these moments

when she’s not

here to experience them

with us?

we were robbed of

true happiness.

fuck blood clots

and fuck death.

i hate them both.